Monday, December 15, 2008

The Three-Eyed Back Brace Cool Girl

I woke up this morning and realized something wasn't quite right. I went to look in the mirror and that was when I saw it. My third eye. Otherwise known as (to be said in a loud, booming voice), "The largest zit the world has ever known (echo) known, known, known." The last time I had something this big on my face was the spring of 1995. I might as well go to my locker and then head on over to geometry class. Am I being dramatic? No. Absolutely not.

Sometimes I think you get the wrong impression and imagine me to be this insanely cool person. It probably happens a lot, what with my Elton John obsession and photo shoots with my cat. Anywho, when that happens (as it so often does), I like to tell a story that gives everyone a reality check. Like for instance, did you know I wore a back brace my sophomore year in high school? Oh yes, yes I did. It was supposed to prevent the S-curve in my back from getting any worse than it already was. Had I thought about it, I should have been supremely grateful as it gave me a very flat stomach and worked better than any wonderbra out there. But to add to my cool back brace, I was 5'7" and weighed 87 pounds so the whole "flat stomach" thing wasn't really an issue. Neither were boobs. Whatev.

The reason I bring this up is there's an article in the last US Weekly about some D-rated actress who has (GASP!) scoliosis and she's kept it a secret until now. If rolling of ones eyes could last an entire 3 minutes, that is what my eyes did as I read the treachery and sadness of this poor girl's back and the pain and suffering her back brace brought her. She had to wear it 18 hours a day. I wore mine 23 hours a day, beeyotch. And then they asked the most pressing question, "How did costars treat you?" I'm sorry, are we talking about a back brace or third world poverty? Don't get me wrong, the surgery for scoliosis IS quite scary and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, but the girl is like me--just a back brace. No surgery.

And that is when it hit me. I am SOCLOSE to being in US Weekly. Minor part in a television show/extra in a 30-second commercial for a Tulsa hospital? CHECK! Back brace that brought pain and suffering? CHECK. Awkward picture of me in said back brace? CHECK. Name that no one recognizes? CHECK!

Look out, world--I am about to be FAMOUS. Let's just hope the third eye clears up before my photo shoot.

6 comments:

Haley Nicodemus said...

I can't stop laughing. You should consider becoming a columnist...seriously!

jules said...

Dear back brace. How I miss you. I miss you days of "guess which song I'm playing." Knock knock knock. kock knock knock. knock knock knock knock knock....that was jingle bells. Figured I stick with the ol' holiday spirit on that one.

Also, can we please get the story about the time the kid you were babysitting wanted to punch you and your back brace saved the day?

You should consider being back brace Meredith next Halloween. Your hair looks so good with blond hair and black roots it's not even funny.

Miss you!

Anonymous said...

Hello

I really enjoyed reading your Blog. Recently I have been diagnosed with scoliosis, so I spend most of my free time researching and trying to find information on the internet. In my search I found http://www.scoliosisspecialists.com and they have introduced me to the world of SpineCor.. a flexible soft scoliosis brace.. I was so relief that I did not have to wear the hard rigid braces. I wear SpineCor under my clothes and no one even knows I have it on.. anyways, I look forward to all the updates. Thanks again,

Jessica

Nick, Aubrey, & Ella Mae said...

Excellent post, my friend! I always look forward to your updates for a dose of laughter.

P.S. Due to my vocation, I'm trying to get the math right here... If Meredith = Michelle, does that mean then that Michael = Sandy Frink?

Leslie said...

Man, Julie beat me to the "Name that Tune" reference! I bet D-lister's costars don't play that with her.

John and Amber said...

You are so funny! I can totally relate! I did not wear the brace, my doctor said there was no proof it helps, and so I said a big "NO THANKS" to that one, BUT then I did have to have the surgery... which did suck. So wearing a brace for a year would have been worth it.

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