An Email

When I wrote the ridiculously long miscarriage post, I said I wouldn't talk about it again on the blog. However, my thoughts have changed a bit due to some of you. I've received A LOT of emails from friends and readers who've said they don't know what to do when they find out a friend or family member has suffered a miscarriage. I received an email yesterday from yet another friend and I thought I'd publish the email I sent her. I asked for her permission first and she mentioned it might be helpful to some of you. She said, " I was nervous asking you so maybe this will allow someone to know all the things you told me without having to ask you."

Anyway, I've modified it slightly and removed the names but this is pretty much it. As I mentioned in the below email, I only know how I felt. A miscarriage is a very personal matter and as with anything else, people react differently to tragedy. And again--you are always welcome to email me if you have questions. While it's not a club I love being a part of, I know it's something that touches everyone. If it's not you, it's your friend, or sister, or daughter, or wife.

Please understand, I realize a miscarriage does not just affect the woman, but again, I can only speak for myself. Due to my friend's question, I wrote from my perspective only.

Thanks for your email. I've actually had several people write with questions very similar to yours and I don't mind at all. Actually, I love it because it shows how much you care for your friend and her feelings. Perhaps I should become a national spokesperson and travel around the world (specifically places like Maui, Europe, etc.). Sorry, not trying to make light of the matter but you know me.

Ok, back to it. I'm so sad for her. You absolutely don't have to experience a miscarriage to feel terrible for someone, but having been there it just makes me angry when I hear someone else is going through it. I think one of the biggest struggles for the woman is moving from an incredible high to rock bottom. And all it takes is one minute. What she is feeling is a mixture of sadness and pain, but she's also angry. Very angry.

As far as what to say, I know it's different for everyone and I don't know her that well, so I can only tell you how I felt. I didn't want the few people who knew to completely avoid it. I didn't need 20 questions but acting like nothing happened was awkward. I wanted them to tell me they were thinking about me and then let me decide if I wanted to talk about it. Nice gestures like a card or a quick email are great. I even received some emails that included scriptures, which meant a lot.

Here's what she doesn't want. She doesn't want anyone telling her everything happens for a reason. She doesn't want anyone saying, "At least you weren't very far along" or "Now you can drink again!" The worst thing anyone can do is to make light of the situation or try to fix it or belittle it. Of course everything happens for a reason but she doesn't want to hear it. Not right now.

Unfortunately, the next "stage" she'll go through is a bit of bitterness (if she's not already there). She will notice all of the pregnant women around her, the babies, the whiny moms, the complainers who feel "fat," and it will piss her off. To be honest, I still have these feelings but they are not nearly as strong. It's more of a dull ache, but I'd be kidding myself if I said it was completely gone. (Added this:) There isn't much you can do at this point but if you are pregnant or have kids, be sensitive to her feelings. Don't lie or omit stories (of course you're allowed to be frustrated with your kids or pregnancy!) but be a little lenient if she doesn't respond the way you'd expect her to. At the end of the day she wants to feel normal, but she needs time to grieve.

I'm sorry she's going through this and I'm sorry you are too. I know the people who were aware of my miscarriages felt helpless and were frustrated they couldn't do anything for me. What you have to understand is there is nothing you can do to take away her pain. Don't put that pressure on yourself. My biggest prayer is that ___ married a good man because he will be the only one (on earth) who can carry her through this. I'm tearing up now just thinking about Michael and the way he took care of me. I knew I loved that guy but he absolutely blew me away. This stuff can tear relationships apart but fortunately it made ours so much stronger. I pray the same is true for them.

So there you have it. As a very brief update on us, we're doing well. I still have good days and bad, but the good days far outweigh the bad and as long as that's the case, I know I'm moving forward. The calls, emails and texts we received after I published that post confirmed we have a pretty awesome support system. So thank you for that.

And to those of you who've emailed me and asked for advice, I'm so grateful your friend, or sister, or family member has a friend like you.