Friday, August 15, 2008

What Thinking Too Much Will Do To You...

I know I've posted several times about songs I hear on the radio stations. Bear with me as I do it again...

Michael and I have been driving separately all week because he has been busy at work. When we drive together in the morning, we rarely turn on the radio. I've noticed lately that I always listen to the radio if I'm in the car alone. I think I just like the company and if I can't have Michael's voice, I need something. Oh it is a curse to be so dependent.

As I drove to work yesterday a song came on the radio that always makes me smile: Living on a Prayer. I have a GREAT high school memory of several of us driving together in my fabulous Geo Tracker and singing that song at the tops of our lungs. I love having flashbacks because the feeling I get is one of comfort and relief. Relief because I'm so grateful the memory is still a part of me, and because I know that when that exact moment happened, I was on top of the world. There are other memories that can send me crashing to the floor or can consume me with fear, apprehension, or overwhelming sadness. Understandably, I try to keep those thoughts in the very back of my memory bank, praying one day they will disappear like so many others I have been able to will away.

Growing up can be so hard. When I was driving in the car that day, I hadn't experienced much. I'd never lost a friend, never had my heart broken, never moved to a new city, never passed out on the bathroom floor from drinking too much (sad but true), never called my mom at 2a in the morning begging her to tell me the next day would be better. Why did I ever wish to be older? Probably because at that moment I'd never experienced a new city, never danced till I couldn't dance anymore, never walked across a stage to receive my diploma, never recited vows in front of 200 friends and family, and never woken up to Michael sleeping next to me.

It's such a tricky thing. Ever had one of those moments where someone knew this great secret and you wanted so very badly to know what it was, and the second they finally told you you wish you'd never asked? How many times has anticipation for an event been more fun than the event itself? At the same time, how many times has anticipation been great and then the event absolutely blew you away? Sometimes I wish I could just pause my life where it is right now and never learn anything new. I know as I get older I will experience many wonderful things, but only at the expense of learning bad things as well. I'm sure it's worth it, but right now I just don't know if I'm that brave.

Sorry for the atypical post from me, but this is my "diary" and these are my thoughts. I know I'll look back on this post when I have kids and will be so angry at myself for ever wanting to hit the pause button now. I am confident there are great times to be had and I know I will love life more tomorrow than I do today. I'm just not sure I want to use the phrase, "I can't wait" anymore because really, I can. And I want to wait... so badly.

4 comments:

Emily said...

I have soo been there Meredith..... but we just gotta live in the moment.. even tho the moment goes by so quickly... we just gotta capture it:)

Michael said...

Let's be honest, do you not play the radio when we drive together so we can talk, or so I won't hum along?

jules said...

Love that song and I believe there was choreography involved. Question though, when is Michael going to write a blog on the Meredith and Michael blog?

Disco Stu said...

Ok, I've wanted to leave comments a couple of times but have always decided I was feeling way too lazy to mess with the headache of having to sign up for yet another website that two hours from now I won't be able to sign into again because I will have already forgotten what strange series of letters and numbers I selected as a password. But, when I read this post, I had to comment. This was an awesome post Meredith. Very profound. I continue to be amazed by your writing skills, but this post shows that your talent goes so much further than just your writing skills.

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