Saturday, October 3, 2009

Anyone Want To Be My Understudy?

CAST
M: Meredith
DW: Dumb Woman
O: Operator

SETTING
M's workplace

ACT I SCENE I (Sidenote: there is only one act and one scene in this play)

(telephone rings)

M: Handbags, this is Meredith!

DW: Hello, I was in your store a week or so ago. One of you ordered a bag for me and had it shipped to my home. It should have been here by now but it has yet to arrive.

M: Oh I'm sorry to hear that, can I have your information and we'll see if we can find the bag for you?

DW: Yes! My name is Dumb Woman, I bought the bag.... (details, schmetails)

M: I'm going to look you up in the system, give the store a call who processed your order and see if they have the tracking information. I will call you back as soon as I know any information.

DW: That would be great. I'm really wanting this bag as soon as possible!

(Both hang up the phone. M does quite a bit of research to find out who sold the bag, what bag it was, where it came from, etc. Places a call to the correct store's shipping department and explains situation. Is put on hold for a very long time. While she is listening to elevator music she notices many, many, MANY people shopping in her own store, picking out bags they like and taking them to her co-worker to ring up. She can only smile and shrug her shoulders as she points to the phone. She thinks, "Damn this phone.")

O: M, are you there?

M: I am here!

O: It says the bag was delivered last night at 6:04 pm and left on her doorstep.

M: Well that's odd. Ok, thank you for your time! I will call DW and let her know!

(Meredith hangs up phone, takes a deep breath, looks at the clock and notices she has been working on this situation for close to 30 minutes. Calls DW back.)

M: Hi DW. I was told the package was delivered to your home last night and is sitting on your front porch.

DW: What? Oh! Well let me go check!

(Pause. Pause, pause, pause. SERIOUSLY--how large is your home and what is taking so long?)

DW: (out of breath) It WAS on my front porch! Isn't that FUNNY?!

(Pause. Pause, pause, pause.)

M: Ok, well I'm glad you have your bag! Thanks and have a great day.

(M hangs up the phone, runs around the counter to help the numerous customers and notices they have already purchased their bags and left. M curses DW to the high heavens and decides she will write a blog post about this to encourage her friends to look on their FRONT PORCH for a package before calling anyone. Turns out that is the most popular place to leave a package. Who knew?)


Aaaaaand curtain.

6 comments:

Aubrey said...

DUMB is a very kind word for that lady -- I would definitely have gone with something nastier. :)

Guess Who said...

Do we find out in the sequel to this play that DW is actually getting a kickback from the co-worker's commission?

They are in cahoots! Cahoots, I say!

Ashley said...

so you're telling me that if i order something, i should check my FRONT PORCH to see if it has arrived? huh, who knew!! where the heck had she been looking?! I do not understand how this woman has made it this far in life.

i also really like guess who's take on the situation, very funny!

Suzanne said...

That is ridiculous! Seriously, where had she looked? It's people like that who evolution would have snatched up a few thousand years ago.

Jax said...

This woman needs a life coach. And I think I'm also annoyed that this woman makes enough to order designer bags while I just admire most of them on websites and debate about splurging and would like to think I'm a leetle more intelligent. If she calls again, please ask her what she does for work and let me know so I can apply..haha..

Savannah said...

oh my word. sorry about the woman, but i did laugh at this. it's a great story.

on another note, i was your understudy at one point in life so maybe i should do it again ;) bhill and i actually talked about the music man the other day...those were the days, oh wait.

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