Thank you. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your kind words. I'll be honest--Michael and I figured we'd receive a polite response on Facebook and the blog but the comments went so far beyond a simple "Congratulations" and made us feel so loved. People say they're praying for you and I've taken it for granted so many times as I just assumed it was a polite way to end a conversation. Never again. From the bottom of our hearts, we are so grateful for you, for your prayers, for your well wishes, and for your love.
8:30 on a Saturday morning and I've already started crying. Par for the course.
On that note, let's catch up on the last few months. I apologize now for the absurd amount of words that follow.
The pregnancy: So far, it's been pretty awesome. Sure I go to bed by 9 pm every night, but I've had it pretty easy. Very limited nausea, zero throwing up, and no food aversions. Actually, the only problem I've had with food is I can't stop eating it. The few times I've felt "eh" were due to not eating something in the last hour. I now feel like one of those celebrities who talk about their "5 small meals a day." Except change "5" to "7" and "small" to "regular-sized" and we're there.
Let's see, what else? One of my first symptoms was in the boobal region. PAINFUL. I've also experienced heartburn for the first time. My only cravings have been lemonade and pancakes. The pancakes have subsided a bit, the lemonade has not (I would be drinking some right now if I hadn't just brushed my teeth). I get up at least twice every night to go to the bathroom and if it's between the hours of 2:30 and 4:00 then I'm up for at least an hour thinking about absolutely preposterous things that no one should ever think about. Insomnia is not fun.
I wore my first pair of maternity pants during week 10 or 11. I was still able to fasten my regular pants but it was uncomfortable and looked even worse. I am now all-maternity (pants) all the time and love it.
I cry. A lot. Sometimes it's three or four tears running down my face and I can usually hide them from Michael. Other times it is the full-blown SOBBING that makes me question my intelligence. Show me any sad/sweet commercial or youtube video and I'm done. Play a song that is either reminiscent, talks about love, or just sounds pretty and I'm done. I will share two embarrassing moments and then we'll move on. 1. Michael's former co-workers gave him a very sweet card signed with well wishes. Normally that would make me smile and give him a hug. Oh no. I was curled up in the fetal position BAWLING my eyes out for words borderline strangers said to my husband. Michael's face was priceless. 2. I was watching Glee last week and they're all getting close to graduating. I was doing good, doing good, and then NOT GOOD. I don't even like that show anymore and I was ugly crying. Michael asked if I was sad for the characters and between hiccups I told him I missed high school. Let's be honest, high school was awesome but hell no I don't miss it. Give me a break. The good news is I cry for happy things now, which is something I've never done before (see first few paragraphs). I'm an equal opportunity crier.
The Babies: The babies are doing great. They are both BIG, which is fantastic. At the last appointment one was a full week ahead of its due date and the other was 4 days ahead. While that thought terrifies me once I hit the third trimester, I know it's a good thing. We've also learned that they already have completely different personalities. One was dancing and head-banging (literally) and the other was completely chill with its tiny little hands behind its head. Just like their parents. :)
Their heartbeats are both strong and typically in the 170s. I got to hear them a few weeks ago and it just blew me away. My next appointment is in 2.5 weeks and I'm so anxious to see them again.
I wish I could talk more about these two but as many of you know there isn't a whole lot to share/see in the first trimester. They're almost the size of "medium shrimp," which is about the worst description one could ever give.
Michael: Oh, Michael. He has been absolutely amazing throughout this entire experience (I'm not just talking about the last two months) and to see the joy on his face is a breath of fresh air. For those of you who know Michael, he tends to be a somewhat quiet guy who would rather listen to what you have to say than garner all of the attention. Not anymore. He has shared our news with complete strangers. After a recent ultrasound he took the pictures to work and showed any person who would look at a (let's be honest) white blob on a black background. When we first saw the little arms and legs he squeezed my hand and I found myself watching him instead of the babies. He is the main reason we shared our news this soon and after we decided to post at 5p, he sent an email at 3:30 and asked if we could go ahead and do it. For me, I can't imagine anything (or anyone) better. And on top of his excitement, he has completely taken over all chores, groceries, and errands while I remain a blob on the bed.
He will be an excellent father and I CAN'T WAIT to see him holding our babies.
Fear: This has not been an easy few months. While the pregnancy could not be more textbook perfect, my fear has kept right up with it. Every time I go to the bathroom I panic. Every tiny growing pain in my stomach I confuse for a cramp. If my boobs don't hurt one day I know it's all over. I wish, so badly, that I could say this fear has subsided but it hasn't. Miscarriages are psychologically damaging and the memory holds so tightly to me that sometimes I'm unable to breathe. I've memorized verses about fear and meditate on them when I'm up at night. I've recited the 23rd Psalm hundreds of times. I remember telling Michael I would feel better at 12 weeks and he held me and said "You won't feel better until you have those babies in your arms." And he's right. It breaks my heart that I cannot simply enjoy every single second of this pregnancy. With that being said, I DON'T CARE. I don't care that I'm filled with fear at least once a day. I don't care that I still have a long road ahead of me. All I have to do is think about these two precious souls inside of me and I am filled to the brim with gratitude.
Thank you, Jesus, for these two miracles.