Sunday, December 31, 2017

A Love Letter to 2017

Tomorrow begins a new year so I thought it would be nice to write one blog post in 2017 that was not a monthly update on Holland.

Typically I'm excited to start a new year.  There is nothing I love more than a clean slate, which is why taking down Christmas decorations makes me giddy... perhaps a smidge giddier than putting them up (don't tell).

But this year.  THIS YEAR, you guys.  It was not always perfect, of course, but it was good.  It was so good.  It brought us the biggest surprise of our lives, our sweet Holland Claire.  She was the gift I didn't even know I needed.

I wish I could say my faith is rock solid.  It's not.  I'm not sure it's ever been.  I'm a Christian, but when my mind starts turning and I think about heaven... it's all so bizarre and strange.  Simply put, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.  I read something once, "Doubt your doubts."  I find myself having to do that often.

But.

Holland Claire.  Holland is who I turn to now when I start to have doubts.  She is my tangible miracle.  We've always been able to get pregnant but were not able to sustain a pregnancy without help.  Except Holland.  We were done having kids.  We'd sold everything and moved forward.  Then 2016 happened and we were dealt some unfortunate cards.  I prayed for God to show his face.  One of those prayers was simply, "I need to see YOU.  I need to see your hand in this."

He gave me Holland.

I didn't pray for a baby.  I didn't even know I wanted a baby.  But the second I took that pregnancy test, I knew.  She was His answer to my prayer.

There were 100 other possibilities but instead he gave me her.... a literal and metaphorical second chance.

The reason I share this is simply because... I'm not quite ready for 2018.  I look at this past year and see redemption and restoration.  I can't help but think, "It can't get better," which unfortunately means... it must get worse.  Ha.  (It took me 35 years to realize I'm not a realist, I'm a pessimist. Whomp whomp.)  Starting a new year is hard for me because I want to hold on tightly to the incredible year I've been given.  I want to cling to our health, our happiness, and our kiddos at this very moment when their biggest fears are make-believe monsters and hurricanes hitting McKinney.

I remember a similar feeling when we were flying home from our honeymoon and I was curled up in a ball - I wasn't ready to be back in the real world.  Meanwhile, Michael was so excited about our future.  10 years later I'm looking back at 2017 with hands grasping anything I can hold onto while he's looking toward 2018 with wide eyes and big dreams.  Thankfully, he's kind of scooting me along with him and encouraging me to do the same.

2018 will bring some exciting times:  Holland's first birthday, Jude & Sloane starting kindergarten,  and me possibly going back to work full time (jury is still out).  And since I haven't yet learned how to stop time - I feel like I'm getting close - I suppose I will embrace all of the exciting times ahead.

This post is all over the place.  I guess I just felt like a formal THANK YOU was in order for 2017.  It has been the sweetest year of my life and given me so much joy.

I hope your year was just as sweet.  And if it more resembled my 2016, just know it will get better...  especially in 2020 when we get a new president (oh come on, you know I had to...)

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