I don't remember when Michael and I first discussed our future children but I imagine it was fairly early in the relationship. We dated long distance for the first year so we were on the phone a lot and talked about some pretty serious topics in a short amount of time.
I remember telling him I thought I wanted kids. I wasn't exactly sure but they sounded nice. And if we had kids, I wanted two. A boy and a girl would be fun. And did he know I thought twins sounded great?
When we went on road trips I always forced him to play this stupid game where I'd give two examples and he had to pick one. "Do you want to live in NYC or Portland?" "Cats or dogs?" "Hamburger or pizza?" It was harmless until one day I asked, "Five kids or none?" He said none. And in that moment, it hit me.
I desperately wanted kids.
It took a silly game to make me realize I did actually want kids. Fast forward a few years and we were overly blessed with exactly what I thought sounded great: boy/girl twins.
We were done. Everyone told us we were done. We sold all of their baby gear. Their clothes. My pump. Their carseats.
There is this voice in my head that keeps saying, "But..." And when I try to pinpoint it, I end up confused and a little sad. I look at our family and think, "What more could I want?" I love our family of four. I love that Jude and Sloane are healthy and happy. I love that we can fit in our car or in a booth (one day), and that if our children need us, they each have a pair of arms that would love to hold them.
The thought of being done. It hurts. I never knew I would love being a mom as much as I do. It is the most rewarding, exhausting, demanding, breathtaking gift I have ever been given. Whether you have one child or five, whether you carry them in your belly or adopt, whether they come one at a time or two... when you become a mom, everything changes.
I want Jude & Sloane to understand they are enough. But I also want them to know my mixed feelings on having more kids are because of them. They changed me. My life is better because they are a part of it.
So the next time you ask me if we're done and I pause, it's because I'm thinking about Jude's laugh or Sloane's hugs and I'm wondering if it's even possible to love another baby as much as we love our two.
What if it is?