I don't remember when Michael and I first discussed our future children but I imagine it was fairly early in the relationship. We dated long distance for the first year so we were on the phone a lot and talked about some pretty serious topics in a short amount of time.
I remember telling him I thought I wanted kids. I wasn't exactly sure but they sounded nice. And if we had kids, I wanted two. A boy and a girl would be fun. And did he know I thought twins sounded great?
When we went on road trips I always forced him to play this stupid game where I'd give two examples and he had to pick one. "Do you want to live in NYC or Portland?" "Cats or dogs?" "Hamburger or pizza?" It was harmless until one day I asked, "Five kids or none?" He said none. And in that moment, it hit me.
I desperately wanted kids.
It took a silly game to make me realize I did actually want kids. Fast forward a few years and we were overly blessed with exactly what I thought sounded great: boy/girl twins.
We were done. Everyone told us we were done. We sold all of their baby gear. Their clothes. My pump. Their carseats.
However.
There is this voice in my head that keeps saying, "But..." And when I try to pinpoint it, I end up confused and a little sad. I look at our family and think, "What more could I want?" I love our family of four. I love that Jude and Sloane are healthy and happy. I love that we can fit in our car or in a booth (one day), and that if our children need us, they each have a pair of arms that would love to hold them.
But...
The thought of being done. It hurts. I never knew I would love being a mom as much as I do. It is the most rewarding, exhausting, demanding, breathtaking gift I have ever been given. Whether you have one child or five, whether you carry them in your belly or adopt, whether they come one at a time or two... when you become a mom, everything changes.
I want Jude & Sloane to understand they are enough. But I also want them to know my mixed feelings on having more kids are because of them. They changed me. My life is better because they are a part of it.
So the next time you ask me if we're done and I pause, it's because I'm thinking about Jude's laugh or Sloane's hugs and I'm wondering if it's even possible to love another baby as much as we love our two.
But...
What if it is?
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9 comments:
Great post! I'm going through something similar! The boys are turning 1 in 9 days and I am having a hard time with realizing they're growing up and Josh I said we were done at 2 kids. I'm going to hold out hope my brother's baby due in July cures my baby fever!
Such a great post. I love it!
Not to add fuel to the fire, but seeing Vivi be a big sister is indescribably amazing. It's like I get to love her in a whole new way and I never expected that to happen. Of course there are times when her "love" for her sister is more frustrating than anything, but overall seeing her take on this new role has just been such a joy.
I feel EXACTLY the same, and my boys are not even 4 months old. I adore being a mother...more than I ever imagined. We only ever planned 2 but I didn't plan 2 at the same time (even though we are incredibly blessed!) and I would love to do it all again. Persuading my husband will be a difficult task....
Love the honesty in this! I struggled with this over most of the last year and there were times my emotions were all over the place. Ultimately, we have decided no more but getting to that place was a journey in itself. I also have a new respect for others and try not to ask "are you having anymore kids" because that is such a loaded question for many people.
It's so true that with more children, love does not divide, it multiplies. Your beautiful babies will always be "enough," but never say never and keep an open mind. Who knows where it might lead you! Blessings on you.
I'm thinking this all means but....have another! Ill let ya know shortly if it is a hectic as I'm afraid it's going to be!
ha this is awesome because no joke - ALL THREE pregnancies after lincoln, i went through a "phase" where i got depressed to "mess up" our family and add another because it just didn't seem possible to love another kid the same - even though i saw it was TOTALLY POSSIBLLE each time. Funny how I would forget I guess. :) BUT OH MY.That has been a glorious miracle in and of itself - watching your love expand - watching your kids take on roles as big siblings and seeing the love they have for their baby siblings unfold...it's just plain awesome. and i don't know how we have such capacity to love DEEP like that over and over except that we were made in HIS image and that's how HE loves His huge family. It's wild but it's fantastic. :)
Oh girl you are SO NOT done :) You will know when you are done and you will be 100% content…I see one more baby in your future :)
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