Friday, October 18, 2013

On My Current State

Jude and Sloane are about to turn one.

People ask how I'm doing.  I put a smile on my face and tell them about Jude & Sloane's birthday party, about their recent discoveries, about their hair or lack of hair.  I talk about each of these things because I won't--I can't--talk about the fact that my babies are no longer babies.

I'm not handling it well.

When Michael and I decided to have a baby, each month went by so slowly.  Once I was pregnant, time seemed to pick up a bit, back to the "normal" I was so accustomed to.  But once I held Jude & Sloane in my arms, someone hit the fast forward button and I've spent the last year trying to keep up.

When you have one child at a time you have a chance to take a breath and celebrate each milestone.  While it may be bittersweet, you know in the back of your head you will revisit this milestone with his or her sibling in one year, two years, three years, etc.  For us, we get two or three weeks and then... it's over.  Both rolled over.  Both crawled.  And as of today, both have taken steps.  Every first is a last.  Every sweet moment is over before I have the chance to let the newness sink in.  And while I'm not complaining--I am so grateful my kids are healthy and developing on track--I just want to hit the pause button.  Just for a moment. And maybe replay a few moments that were gone too soon.

I want my babies to sleep in my arms again.  I want to see them discover their hands, their feet, each other... for the first time.  I want to hear their sweet cries in the delivery room.  I want to see Jude's baby penguin hair stick straight up.  I want to see Sloane smile after being so serious her first few months. I want to watch my husband hold his tiny son and daughter in the crook of his arm.

I'm so grateful I was given the opportunity to experience each.

And now, I will continue to enjoy the small moments, push through the tough moments, and celebrate the big moments. I will make sure Jude & Sloane know they are loved through each of these moments.  I will make sure they understand how easy that is for me to do.

Who knew two tiny babies could change my whole world?  It's been the best, most refreshing surprise of my life. 

5 comments:

Jenn said...

Great post. It does go by too quickly, especially with two. That's what pictures are for. So we can look back, remember the moments that passed, and cry about how our babies aren't babies anymore.

Aubrey said...

Geez, Merd. You just made this recently post-partum mama cry BUCKETS of tears. I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch those milestones go by with twins -- it's hard enough with singletons! Sending you lots of love, hugs, and birthday joy.

Ashley Blair said...

I read this post this morning at 3am well I was nursing kason and it made my heart swell a little! I feel like they grow so fast I can't keep up and as soon as I adjust to one thing he's already onto the next! It's a blessing to see them grow up as not everyone gets that luxury:( but that doesn't make it any easier!!!

I can imagine knowing they are your last babies makes it that much tougher!!! At least from what I hear kids get even more fun as they grow up(maybe not the teenage years haha) great post!!! It's hard being a mama and so amazing!! It's literally like walking around out hearts outside of our body!!

Ashley

Leslie said...

Being a mama brings up so many complicated emotions, and there are even more unique feelings when you're raising two at once! You're such a good mom, Meredith.

Melissa Brannan said...

Oh my! Well said. I think I will go pick Teagan up and watch her sleep! Sigh!

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